A Survivor's Guide to Surviving Survival Mode
A Survivor’s Guide to Surviving Survival Mode will equip you with practical steps to get through the “adverse and unusual circumstances” that you’re challenged with throughout life.
We will walk through ideas including how to:
Recognize when you’re entering Survival Mode
Accept and reality check the situation
Invite perspective into tough times
Give yourself permission to sit with hard feelings
Practical tips for maintaining sanity and preserving humanity.
Important notes:
This is not selfcare - this is survival.
This guide is from the perspective of a stay at home mom. However, regardless of whether you’re a parent or not, you’ve probably experienced survival mode. These principles can apply to everyone. Non-parent examples of Survival Mode might be hurdles like depression, seasons of grief and loss, working 3 jobs at once…or I don't know, a global pandemic?
Survival Mode [ ser-vahy-vuh l - mohd] | verb.
The physical and emotional condition a person assumes in order to survive under adverse or unusual circumstances.
Example: Hey sorry, I have to cancel coffee today, the kids are both sick, I haven’t showered in two days and I’m in full survival mode.
A temporary state of living life to a lower standard; of existing.
Example: *Throws to-do list in trash and hits “continue watching” on netflix for the fourth time.*
Antonyms for Survival Mode:
Life being lived to its fullest possible potential; thriving.
Example: Wow! I got 6-8 hrs of sleep, got up before the kids, showered, dressed and put on mascara, tackled my to-do list before lunchtime, finished a book, knitted a scarf, exercised, fed the kids, and have a babysitter for cocktail hour tonight!
Step 1: Recognizing Survival Mode
“When we name and own hard things, it does not give them power, it gives us power to effect change and achieve purpose.
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It's impossible to take the necessary steps to survive Survival Mode if you don't know - or aren’t willing to acknowledge - when you're in it. It’s, therefore, crucial to be able to recognize and name your own unique signs for when you’re entering into it. Sometimes periods of Survival Mode are obvious, like when school’s out and you're living through a global pandemic, or if you’re trying to function on three hours of interrupted sleep in those fresh newborn days. But, Survival Mode can sometimes be really sneaky, and if you’re not careful, you’ll be left in a puddle eating dry cereal from the box and wondering when the last time you brushed your teeth was.
The best way to learn what your signs are is to think about past times in your life when you might have been in survival mode and visualize what that looked like for you. It's usually the first things to "go" that you can judge to be your signs. Maybe the first thing to go is your patience, maybe it’s your personal hygiene or ability to perform basic household tasks. Just remember that there's no shame in these times - this isn't normal life, this is survival mode.
2. Accept and Reality Check
Accepting and reality checking basically means giving yourself permission to temporarily lower your standards. It’s important to be upfront and honest with what productivity is going to look like as you’re entering Survival Mode. The expectations that you have for yourself and adhere to normally should be mercilessly cast aside (within reason). If you're entering into a hard season and you don't lower your standards or expectations, you'll find yourself set up for failure and disappointment. I think this looks different for every person depending on what phase of life they’re currently in.
It’s important to note though, that this isn’t something that is just done once. Reality checking is a daily or sometimes even hourly task. When I’m in survival mode and inevitably find myself struggling to do something that is normally not a big deal, I immediately reality check the situation, remind myself that these aren't usual times and give myself permission to lower whatever standard it is I’m trying to uphold. This takes off a lot of unneeded stress, and maybe even shame, during an already stressful time.
3. Invite Perspective
Keeping perspective is what keeps me (mostly) sane during Survival Mode. It reminds me that however hard the situation is, it won’t last forever. It’s really easy to get lost within hard circumstances and start losing touch with reality, but during these times more than ever it’s so important to refocus and remind ourselves that everything is a phase. We’ll get through it. There’s another side to everything, and, with some exceptions, five years down the road we probably won’t even remember how hard it was.
I wrote a post on Instagram a couple months after having Asher about the phrase, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” In a phase of life with a 2 month old and a 20 month old, I wrote, “I wonder how many times we feel like our cup is empty when really, if we decided, [or had to] pour anyway, we’d discover that the cup is a lot deeper than we thought it was to begin with.” THIS has brought me a lot of perspective during some challenging times. The perspective of how strong we are as humans. The perspective of how incredibly capable of going through hard things we are. Our tolerance of being uncomfortable is far higher than we give ourselves credit for and, I’d argue that, when under pressure, we are far more capable of rising to the occasion than we think we are.
4. Give yourself permission to sit with hard feelings
“Hard is hard” as Brené Brown says. Survival Mode inevitably comes with a lot of hard feelings. And it can be so so hard to allow yourself to sit with those feelings sometimes. So many things get in the way: guilt, shame, not wanting to be uncomfortable, fear that if you acknowledge the presence of certain feelings you might give them power or they might just eat you alive. Go back and read that quote again in step 1. Feelings don’t go away. And more than that, we have feelings for a reason. It’s not a matter of good vs. bad. Hard is hard and feelings are feelings. Sometimes the only way to move past something is to just sit in it for a while first. Strip down, jump in, feel it, name it, ask yourself hard questions about it and then rinse off and let it slide down the drain.
Anger, greif, sadness, loneliness, fear, doubt and self-hatred are all things I’ve had to sit with at one time or another, as I’m sure many have. If the goal is to use our feelings to effect change and achieve purpose, then we have to give our feelings the respect they deserve by simply allowing them to be felt.
So, don’t deny those feelings. It’s OK to be sad. It’s OK to feel disappointed. It’s OK to feel afraid. Just remember, you own those feelings, they do not own you. And remember Step 3 and invite perspective to your hard feelings party.
5. Tips for Maintaining Sanity and Preserving Humanity
If going into full Survival Mode can be counted on for one thing it’s that feeling of slowly having your sanity stripped away. Sleep deprivation has been the most consistent reason for having to go into Survival Mode for me over the last few years. And there’s just nothing like it for me to start feeling less than human. It’s during times like these that little things can really make or break and small joys go a long way.
So, I have a mental list of small things that make me feel like a human, require little or no effort and/or bring about a small amount of joy to cling to for dear life. My list includes things like lighting a candle, drinking coffee, staying hydrated, taking all my vitamins, brushing my teeth/washing my face, getting dressed in “real” clothes, making my bed, calling a friend I know can relate to my situation I can vent to, opening a window for fresh air, texting my mom for some love and support, putting on a cartoon for the kids and taking a hot shower…you get the idea. And keep in mind, if/when I’m in the depths of Survival Mode, I’m not tackling this list, I’m picking and choosing very strategically after pulling myself up long enough to analyze what my biggest needs are. I’m amazed at how far a small, sometimes mundane act can go when in Survival Mode.
So, I want to encourage you to pay attention to what little things bring that feeling of humanity or little spark of joy for you the next time that you're in Survival Mode. Make a mental list, or better yet, a physical list to draw from.
